and so i tell myself that i'll be strong

Disappointments.

I've had a couple of those lately. People have disappointed me. I've disappointed other people. I've disappointed myself.

It's been a strange couple of months for me. And while that is no excuse, it's true. I still don't think I've quite recovered from February. You know when people talk about digging a hole you can't get out of? I think February did it for me; it dug an emotional hole that I can't seem to crawl completely out of even now. And it's one of those things that seems to have affected other aspects of my life. Bad things happen. And I'm usually one to get over them. But sometimes, I think, blows like the ones February dealt me can manifest as something unexpected. I feel somewhat shut down. In March and April I felt like I was constantly overcoming some unknown distance between people and school and while it got better, I think I could have done more. And in not doing more, I think I suffered disappointment. I let someone down; I didn't live up to their expectations. I didn't do. And that's not who I am. Now I have to suffer the consequences and lose something that I once took a lot of pride in having.

I'm disappointed in myself. But I guess it's something I'll have to accept.

And it's not just myself that's disappointed me. Other people have too.

I remember writing a post a while back where I expounded on how a change in the nature of a relationship inexplicably changed the way someone behaved. It was a perplexing thing to me. I understand that things change, I never question that. But unless something really significant happened to change things, I don't understand why communication between two people has to completely break down into passive-aggressiveness, sporadic meaningless conversation, and the occasional emotional outburst that yields real talk. Maybe I just need to learn not to hope so much on other people? I don't want to do that, but perhaps it's time for me to really accept that not everything works out the way I would like it to. People can't be controlled, people won't always act as they should. And yes, changing the intimacy of a relationship invariably changes the way people treat each other. I wish this was not the case. However, I know that the way a person treats their friends should not be inconsistent from one person to another. If I did nothing to deserve rudeness, I feel like I shouldn't receive it. My patience can only last so long when taken advantage of.

One specific incident spurred that last rant, but it's a frustration of mine that can be universally applied to every lost friendship I've ever had. It's a disappointing thing.


Last night's exercise in breaking free of writer's block seems to have worked. Also, it's an overcast day and my hopes of spending Sunday in the park were dashed by cold weather. And gloomy days tend to my affect my mood to the point where I cannot be content unless I'm listening to sad music and doing nothing with my day. Maybe it's stir-craziness; I just have to make it through the week, and then I will once more be reunited with my Ogle-family for the summer.

Also, a new haircut is in the future. Something different. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. So my life is not all disappointments and bad moods. It just always seems to be pertinent to talk about on the blog. I'll do better, I promise.

if it were up to me, i would leave it up to you

It's a Saturday night. I just enjoyed a day full of writing and reading Young Adult novels for work followed by an evening double feature at the drive-in: Bridesmaids and The Adjustment Bureau. Despite my incessant need to converse about The Adjustment Bureau's commentary on the concept of predestination and its implications on free will and the human race, the boy and I agreed that getting out of the apartment was necessary; our Friday night consisted of me curled up on the couch watching a Star Wars "making of" documentary while he played World of Warcraft...how delightfully nerdy of us.

To be fair though, I've needed to just relax. After exams ended I was only allowed a few days of break before I started my internship at Peachtree Publishers. As of Monday, I am their editorial intern, sequestered in a back office with pen in hand and eyes at the ready, poised to tackle the thousands of unsolicited manuscripts would-be children's authors send in every day.my surprise, some manuscripts have been sitting in kitty litter smell for almost a year now. Reading (and most of the time, rejecting) this "slush" has been the bulk of my job so far. However, I do get a lot of time on and off duty to read what the company has published before, which has been very enjoyable, even if most of the titles are not my usual reads. This first week, however, has been eye-opening as an aspiring writer - I, the lowly intern doing the job for free, wields the power of judgment in deciding whether or not you are even worthy of possible consideration as a published author. Woah. That sucks for the hopeful writers out there.

But leaving that rather bleak note there, I have been slowly adjusting to apartment living. It's nice to have a real kitchen for once; I think I'll be sad to leave it once school starts again and I move back into the dorms. Cooking for myself has been a challenge in buying grocery in bulk and at reasonable prices. I think the summer, however, will be a good lesson for me in money management. I definitely need it.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post was. I've had the itch to write for a few days now, and I'm hoping that maybe this will help get me through the writing dry spell.

Maybe that's a point in itself.

An Entomologist's Last Love Letter by Jared Singer

dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

tremble little lion man

I know I've been absent. Many apologies; life has been rather overwhelming these past two months. And now, I'm almost at the end of my fourth semester of college. Just one exam and two more papers to get through and it will officially be summer.

As of the moment, I'm watching Dexter and packing up my life into boxes. I've made a goal for myself that when I move back into the dorms come August, I will only have one car load of stuff...we'll see how well that goes. I'm currently transferring half of it into the apartment I'm sharing with a friend this summer - I'm living in it for another friend who won't be back until August, so it seems weird to me to completely take over what in my mind is not my personal space. It's strange, lying in a bed that's not mine looking at walls covered in Lady Gaga posters. Not that I'm complaining in the least; it's a nice apartment in a convenient location. Plus, being able to do my laundry at no cost is a relief.

Even once I finish up with academia, I really have less than a week to rest before my internship with Peachtree Publishers begins. I'm working as an editorial intern, and I'm really excited and nervous. This is potentially what I will be doing for the rest of my life. I've always been someone who likes to plan for the future, but this is daunting.

I'm halfway done with college and preparing for what will happen after. Ohmygoodness. I don't think I'm ready.

i love the view from up here.

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” - Dr. Seuss

I find that quote especially applicable to life right now. February is finally over, and I have high hopes for March.

It's just that first I must re-assimilate back into life. Agnes of God is finally over, and I'm only now realizing how much of myself I put into it. I'm proud of my performance, but in the aftermath I find myself a bit exhausted and a little distant from my friends. It's weird how life goes on in my absence; it's given me so many surprises. I was vain and just assumed that everyone would wait for me until I came back, but I'm realizing now that's not the case and that I, obviously, am not the center of everyone's world. Not that I really believed that, but it's been an odd week. I miss everyone, and I hope the adjustment won't be too painful.

Writing is coming easier.

whatever happened to saturday night?

Last night was opening night.

Wow is all I can say. The support and love myself and the other cast members have gotten is just overwhelming.

I'm just sad it's almost over. Two more shows and then never again.

But for tonight, I can only hope to do even better and hope people walk away from the show with a deep appreciation for what theatre is capable of doing.

i'm always in this twilight, ruminating.

The worst is over. Thank God. I can breathe again.

Well, not really. I have a cold and therefore can only breathe through one nostril.

But now that the day has passed, I feel like I can return to normal again. The year mark was supposed to be the milestone. It's supposed to be easier from now on, right? Time slowly heals all things. But I also feel like time pulls us away and makes us forget. I don't want to forget.

I suppose that's why I write. I go back to my old journals sitting in my closet often to see if I discover anything new. And I can remember the moment I wrote each poem, each bit of prose, each story. I remember exactly what I was thinking, exactly what I was feeling consciously and unconsciously when I put the pen to paper. I don't forget things easily. Maybe it's because I write so much. I can never truly let anything go. All my memories are immortalized in ink, and I prefer it that way. Writing shows me who I was, who I am, and sometimes even glimpses into who I will be. I don't think a lot of people have that.

I mean, I know that our memories aren't often completely truthful, that we reflect back on the past with bias and edit ourselves. And while writing in the moment or about a moment also brings with it my emotional biases, I like to think I have an accurate record of my life that I can refer to. I like that.

Which is why it frustrates me that I haven't been able to write. I'm afraid if I don't write I won't remember this brief period of my life, which I feel is rather important for me to remember. Everything is important for me to remember.

Even the mundane things.

Even the moments that cause me pain.