please don’t drown me in holy water

It’s Friday. The week – and the month of February – is coming to an end. I must apologize for the lack of updates. Admittedly, this has been the most stressful of my months here at Oglethorpe, but I think I’ve managed to survive.

Least important of these is the break-up and subsequent make-up of my relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t want to go into it really, but I will just say that it takes a little time apart to realize what you really feel for someone. I hate talking about things like this – it makes me feel so awkward and sentimental.

So moving on.

I’m sick. I blame this on exhaustion and a compromised immune system. After House of Blue Leaves ended I took up work on Complete Works of William Shakespeare [Abridged] and have barely had any sleep. I’m definitely overworking myself and I need a break. Thankfully, Complete Works is finishing up this weekend and I can rest.

But I guess the most traumatic thing to happen this month was the death of my close friend Clinton. Dealing with that was incredibly difficult, especially being so far away from home. But I was at least able to go to the funeral, which was a very beautiful tribute to him. From it I took away a resolve to be more faithful and loyal to those that I care about. Hopefully I can stick to it, for him.

I think the best thing about all of it was how I truly experienced the community of Oglethorpe. Of course my friends helped me through it, but even people I didn’t really know that well would come up to me and offer their support. And the wonderful thing is, they truly meant it. That’s what I love about my school. The people here are truly thoughtful and genuine. And you never have to be alone.

…

But I look forward to March. I look forward to my weekend. I was a hermit this week, working studiously on papers and French work, and (ashamedly) abandoned my friends to spend time with the boyfriend. This weekend will make up for it. Already, it has involved a trip to Waffle House and finger painting (which predictably devolved into face painting). Tonight: the Complete Works cast party. Saturday night: Chi Phi’s belated Mardi Gras party.

Geez - looking at that, I sound like a regular party animal. Maybe I am. But I’m having responsible fun. You can’t blame me for that.

breaking through the funk in the morrison hotel.

I’m enjoying this Monday. I’ll attribute it to the fact that it’s warm and sunny today and not simply to the fact that I have no class after 1:30. After my weekend, I feel I deserve a chance to enjoy listening to The Doors’ “Roadhouse Blues” while cleaning up my room and sorting laundry.

Not that my weekend was particularly bad. Friday and Saturday I helped out with Oglethorpe’s Scholarship Weekend, so I met a lot of prospective freshman. And while it was very fun, it gets exhausting having the same conversation with twenty different people. Then my Sunday was just one of those days where I woke up in a funk I just couldn’t get out of. Play therapy with adorable puppies at the pet store and picnicking on Jessica’s floor with Chinese take-out were the highlights of a rather miserable rainy day though. I’m so thankful for my friends. All of them.

The song is now “Land Ho!” and I’ve transferred my first load to the dryer. I’m now going to take a moment to reflect on the fact that it now takes me $1.50 to do one load of laundry instead of the $1.00 it took a few months ago.

Moment’s over. The song now is “Queen of the Highway.”

I should probably take some time out to read. For tomorrow’s classes I: have to finish Remains of the Day, have to read chapters out of Don Quixote, and have to make myself familiar with various tools used in stagecraft. But instead, I’m blogging and looking up the lyrics to David Gray’s “This Year’s Love,” which quite accurately reflect my romantic situation at the moment.

Which is another explanation to my Sunday funk. But I don’t really want to go into that. I don’t do well with bad moods.

Maybe I should grab my journal and venture out onto the quad and plop myself into one of the big adirondacks and just write. I’ve been neglectful recently. Shame on me for slagging on one of my New Year’s Resolutions. And it’s so pretty outside too.

Once “Maggie M’Gill” is over, I’ll do just that.

After I transfer my last load over to the dryer.

i’m in a lewis carroll sort of mood.

Which is a good thing, if you’re wondering. I’m not really sure how to describe it. I think it all started when I found out Chi Phi is going to have a Disney-themed party in two weeks.

My first thought was to dress up as the Dormouse from Alice in Wonderland (because when I think of Disney my mind doesn’t automatically revert to the princesses), so I did the usual Google search to find out what I would need to get to make a costume.

Instead, this is what I found:

 

 

 

and this:

which are both a far cry from what I was originally looking for:

 

I ended up deciding to be a card instead. But I have found myself a new adorable ball of fluff to squeal over, and that is always a very good thing.

But enough of my random ramblings.

I find myself at the end of a very exhausting, very enjoyable long weekend filled with friends, fraternity parties, rehearsal, a date, a Matisse exhibit, laser tag, and movie marathons. Sleep was minimal. But I don’t really mind. A 5 Day Weekend like this only occurs so often, so you have to make the most of it. And for those who would dispute it, the weekend starts on Thursday even if there is French class at 9:00 on Friday. Plus, it’s the first weekend of the new semester – what better way to celebrate it?

Time has passed so quickly. I feel like I should be in February already, things have progressed so much since I last wrote. Nothing is as I left it, I’ve learned from my month of absence. I’ve also learned that I like it. I don’t have to dwell on the questions of what could have been. I don’t have to care anymore about what did and didn’t happen last semester. There’s nothing to weigh heavy on my mind except the pressing need to read Don Quixote and Remains of the Day for class tomorrow. Carefree contentment is such a nice feeling.

Which is why I am currently sitting on Joscelyn’s bed in my favorite shirt from Will Smith’s Fresh Prince era and going through my OU Radio playlist and procrastinating until dinnertime. I personally think it’s a wonderful way to end the weekend.

and so it begins.

A new year. A new semester. Like a stack of presents waiting to be opened. There’s something so overwhelming about it; I have the need to take my time unwrapping and savor each moment. That I’ve arrived back at Oglethorpe and seen most of my friends and sat through my French class hasn’t completely sunk in. Maybe I’m waiting for things to be set in motion.

That must be it.

I am so glad to be back here, back at home. It is home. Even my parents recognize that. I’ve learned to stop correcting myself, clarifying that Oglethorpe and home are the same thing, because it seems as if everyone already knows and understands. I suppose that’s what college does to you. And now that I’m here, everything seems to be falling into position. Nothing seems to have really changed significantly about this place and these people I left a month ago (with the exception of the snow on the ground and the ice on the sidewalks).

It’s as if I’m just picking up exactly where I left off – I’m waiting to see if that will end up being a good thing or not. There’s still that idea of the clean state at the beginning of a new year, starting fresh with people; no expectations still lingering from the last time you saw them. I think that seems like the best attitude to take, don’t you think? I’ll try it and see how it works out. It could be my official New Year’s Resolution, since I really never got around to making one.

And while I’m at it, I’ll make some more:

I resolve to write more. I attempted to do that during my month-long break, but it only happened sporadically. I know I shouldn’t force it, but getting into the habit is better than coming back to my journal every few days or so. And maybe updating the blog will help.

I resolve to read more. I brought two bags of books back with me. Makes sense that I should get through some of them before the semester ends.

And, I resolve to be more patient. Things won’t always work out the way I would like them to, so why fight it?

 

That’s all I have for the moment. Lunch is calling. But really, what more could I add?

merry christmas to all.

Today is Christmas.

Or technically, yesterday was. I’m starting this at sixteen minutes past midnight, all safely locked away in my mess of a bedroom while the rest of the house lies in comfortable, silent sleep. I need to be more timely in my updates.

But back to my original point. Merry Christmas to those of you that celebrate it. I had a rather enjoyable day. Started out at 8:30 with present-opening. Then my family and I made the trek down to Montgomery to celebrate with my dad’s side of the family.

What I love about my family is how huge it is. My dad is one of six kids, and so on big holidays my grandmother’s tiny little house with one bathroom is filled to capacity with lots of loud, happy, talkative relatives who always need to catch up with everyone. On Christmas it’s especially fun, because that’s when literally all 30+ of us pile into that cramped little living room with two couches to open presents and it’s just a free-for-all. My life is so structured, it’s nice to just have someone yell “1-2-3 GO” and let the room turn into a mad celebration of wrapping paper and boxes. This year we added marshmallow guns.

So I guess I need to recount what I received: an old Polaroid instant camera with film, the complete works of William Shakespeare (minus the histories, but who reads those anyway?), the complete works of F. Scott Fitzgerald, Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger, The Importance of Being Earnest, and the complete three seasons of one of my all-time favorite shows Slings & Arrows. Then some sweaters. Nice sweaters, too.

Reflecting on that list I realize just how many books I now own. I should’ve noticed how large of a pile they’ve made at the foot of my bed. Very sizeable indeed. I fully plan on carting all of them back to Oglethorpe, even though I’ve run out of space on my bookshelf. Oh well.

I wish the holiday feeling would last forever. Not the holiday itself, just the feeling. Makes it easier to block out the things you dread to think about.

I’m getting into vague territory. Apologies.

I just don’t want life to be so complicated, to have my relationships shaded with grey. The world would be so much easier in black and white. But instead it’s blinding technicolor. I suppose I’ll just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it like they say.

Them again. Why can’t they solve my problems? Because they just like to sit around and dictate to everyone else.

I hate to end on such a cynical note. My thoughts tend to be cynical and sarcastic no matter how happy I may be, and right now I would consider myself very content. I had a merry Christmas. I have lovely memories of my entire family watching me breakdance in an old lady costume on the TV. I have lovely text messages from my friends I can smile about. I have the Christmas spirit to spill over into this afternoon when I celebrate with my mom’s side of the family. Decidedly more tame, but just as fun. I love Christmas.

not a creature was stirring.

I should be asleep right now. It feels strange to be up so late on Christmas Eve. Two years ago I would have been forced into bed even if I wasn’t sleepy…now my parents have stopped the whole Santa charade and have let me be.

I blame this rush of insomnia on the cookies I baked today and the hours of Jane Austen I processed. Church at noon. Pride and Prejudice. More Pride and Prejudice. Becoming Jane. Cookie-baking. Dinner-eating. Present-wrapping. Book-reading. Book-finishing. Sitting.

I did accomplish something on my rather atypical Christmas Eve. I finished the book I started way back in September, The Year of Living Biblically. Interesting stuff, but I won’t elaborate for fear it will sound zealous or something. But worth reading even if you’re not religious at all. It took me so long to finish, but I do have an excuse – I was tackling Homer and Dickens at the same time, and essays on them take precedence over reading I actually enjoy. Not that I don’t enjoy classic literature…

So what next on my to-read agenda? I guess it will depend. I’ve got some interesting reading ahead of me in my Modern Lit class next semester. I’m anticipating Don Quixote. But beyond that, I guess it will depend on the books I receive for Christmas and how long I can stay away from the bookstore. The bookstore is such a dangerous place for me, I will just grab and buy a book I think sounds interesting even if I’m simultaneously engulfed in three other ones. That’s my bad habit.

But anyways, Merry Christmas to all of you reading this. All three of you, you silent stalkers. :P

you know, they call them killer whales.

I hate avoiding things. I’m the kind of person who likes to tackle issues head-on. Yet here I find myself running away and deflecting questions. Keeping silent. Holding it in. It feels strange. I’m not sure it’s healthy. There are only so many places I can vent my frustrations to before they all come to a head, right? And then, it’s worse. That’s what they tell you.

Oh them. Them and their wisdom. I should listen to them more often.

Don’t you just hate when the good mood is ruined? That happened tonight. Another instance of people trying to pry where they are not welcome. When will they learn that when they delve too deep it only serves to shut them out more?

Enough of that. This was not meant for rants.

It’s just…I find myself afraid to face things now where I wasn’t before. Maybe that’s because my life was never messy before. It is now. That’s a strange thing for me. I’m not sure how to deal with it.

But besides all that, my most overwhelming feeling is that of boredom. Going to college in a big city makes me realize how little there is to do back here in a modestly large one.

My mood today:

I found this today as I was just perusing the internet in my boredom. I thought it  was funny, I guess. Reminded me of my failed attempt to read Naked Lunch when I was in 10th grade, I just got really confused trying to slog through it and my English teacher saw it one day on my desk and told me I was too young to read it. She was right.

She was also most likely on drugs.

Maybe I should try again, then follow up with some more beatnik literature. You know, go through a beatnik period. I tried to organize something like that this summer as I compiled a list of books I wanted to read. There got to be so many I had to separate them into categories: Southern writers, absurdist literature, etc. It seems to make more sense, to read each category and move on to the next one. But I add books to the list faster than I can read them, so I don’t know how well that would work out.

Wait. Yes I do. Not very well at all.

But Christmas is in four days, which is something to look forward to.